SHOUT Reuben-Off Results:
The Battle for Boone Revealed
Our Taste-Testers…In Brief…
Before our Reuben-Off contest began, we asked our taste-testers to share
some personal info about themselves. They gave us a fake name, their mood
based on the seven dwarfs and gave a one sentence description of themselves.
Get to know the group…
Sparky Washington, 55—Happy—“Reubenesque.”
Beke Zergeron, 22—Dopey—“Despite
the fact that I may lose my job for giving ODB a poor rating, I vow to
be as unbiased as is financially possible.”
Hans, 36—Happy—no description
The Virgin Reuben Eater, 19—Sleepy—“I
am a funny, outrageous guy who makes friends very easily and who loves
it here in Boone.”
Dopey, 27—Dopey—“I’m
a starving grad student looking for some free (and tasty) food! Side note:
My favorite part is the corned beef.”
Wolf Larsen, 24—Sleepy, Happy, Dopey,
Bashful—“A staggering juggernaut of charismatic brutality.”
Jimmy Jazz, 31—Dopey—“Aging
adolescent poised for infamy.”
Sassafras Molly, 37—Dopey—“A
slightly neurotic fan of German, Italian, Chinese, Japanese and down home
cuisine.”
Dego Wopanoli, 27—Sleepy—“Under a minute—that’s right—I said it.”
The results are in.
Last issue, SHOUT Magazine—your first source for food critiques and
general confusion—called for an inaugural Reuben-Off to see who had
the best Reuben in Boone. We prepared for weeks—gathering a 9-person
taste-test council, sifting through email votes and organizing a plan of
attack for all 13 restaurants that participated.
Finally, the day came. Yes, unbeknownst to me, I planned the Reuben-Off
for Good Friday—yes, on a day that Christians are not supposed to
eat meat. It didn’t seem to faze the council.
Before we get to the results, let me thank all who participated. A heartfelt
thank you—a SHOUT-out, if you will—goes to Blimpie, Boone Bagelry,
Café Portofino, Jersey Mike’s, Joe’s Italian Kitchen,
Murphy’s, Macados, Mr. Originals, Our Daily Bread, Peppers, The Library,
Troy’s 105 Diner and Wolfie’s. All the restaurants gave us free
sandwiches and treated us with respect—two things we are not used
to at all.
And a thank you goes out to our taste-testers—Beke Zergeron, Sparky
Washington, Hans, Dego Wopanoli, Sassafras Molly, Jimmy Jazz, Wolf Larsen,
Dopey, and The Virgin Reuben Eater. Believe it or not, those aren’t
their real names. We have withheld their true identities for protection.
FYI…our taste-testers represented a somewhat even cut of our general
population. We had writers, bartenders, beer-tenders, lawyers, students,
graphic artists, teachers, cooks and local business owners—no, they
weren’t all hippies and our friends.
Taste-testers rated each sandwich with painful precision, giving 1-5 ratings
on each of the bread, sauce, corned beef, sauerkraut and cheese. They also
had to record the order in which the sandwich was eaten; their occupation,
age, name and where they lived; they had to describe themselves in one sentence;
they had to rate their mood based on the seven dwarfs (most were either
happy, dopey or sleepy); they had to describe each sandwich in five words
or less; and rate the sandwich on a scale of ew, mm, mmm, mmmm or mmmmm.
(I know; it’s pretty scientific.)
Our local statistician took the data collected from the taste-testers and
compiled the results.
Without further ado, the winner of the inaugural SHOUT Magazine Reuben-Off
is...
Joe’s Italian Kitchen!!
Joe clocked in with a score of 21.6 points overall and an average of 4.5
Ms. Congrats Joe, you just won ads in both SHOUT and High Country Press
and all the bragging rights.
But I must add that Joe only won by 0.2 points! The Library clocked in with
a score of 21.4 points and an average of 4.5 Ms. Congrats Baxter and Blake!
Close behind in the race was Café Portofino with a score of 20.4
points and an average of 4.4 Ms on their regular Reuben, and Our Daily Bread
with a score of 17.1 points and an average of 2.8 Ms.
Email Voting
Participating restaurants were allowed to ask patrons to vote online via
shoutmag@gmail.com. Here’s the top three…
Joe’s Italian Kitchen—70% of votes
Café Portofino—10% of votes
Tucker’s—10% of votes (Tucker’s was invited to take
part in the contest but did not return phone calls in time.) Sorry Tucker’s!!!
Troy’s 105 Diner, Blimpie and Jersey Mike’s were next in line.
A full breakdown of the results can be obtained by coming to my desk at
work. I will only share results with business owners or general managers.
The results don’t tell the whole story, though. Thoughtful comments—both
negative and positive—peppered the taste-testers’ sheets, making
us laugh, cry and think about whether we would ever eat food at some establishments
again. But you don’t get to know what comments match up to each restaurant.
That wouldn’t be nice. That wouldn’t be nice at all.
We will be back very soon with another food contest. Yes, it may be the
Jamaican JERK-OFF or the Liquor-Off or a Pizza-Off, but you should post
your comments for us with your opinion on what we should do next.
I had a great time and I send my apologies to the friends, family and significant
others who had to be in close proximity to our taste-testers after the contest—I
know that didn’t smell good at all.
Best (mostly Negative) Quotes of the Contest…
Reuben-Off judges were asked to leave comments describing the sandwich and
their experience at every restaurant involved in the contest. Taste-testers’
code names are given for protection from the local restaurant mafia. These
are their real responses, exactly how they were written on their score sheet.
You’ll see why we left out the restaurants that they were speaking
about…
You may notice that many of the listed comments are negative. Many positive
comments were made during the taste-test; it’s just that I didn’t
think the positive comments were funny in the least bit. And why read something
that’s not funny?
“The bread murdered my dreams.” –Jimmy Jazz
“Proof that vegetarians are idiots.” –Jimmy
Jazz
“Heard good things—didn’t see ‘em.”
–Jimmy Jazz
“Greasy. Tangy. Salty. Disappointing.” –Wolf Larsen
“So full.” –Beke Zergeron
“Stick to salad bar.” –Dego Wopanoli
“Dog crotch. Rotten.” –Wolf Larsen
“Tasted like dead babies.” –Jimmy Jazz
“Sauce is the bomb.” –Dego Wopanoli
“Breaking point. Nausea.” –Wolf Larsen
“Where’s the beef?!” –Jimmy Jazz
“Where’s the cheese?!” –Beke Zergeron
“The corned beef tasted like a scab.” –Wolf Larsen
“The PBR of Reubens.” –Dego Wopanoli
“Kind of a bad idea.” –Wolf Larsen
“Wheat bread…F’n wheat bread.” –Jimmy
Jazz
“Sam, I want a raise.” –Beke Zergeron
“Completely average in every way.” –Jimmy Jazz
“Could write the Bible on the corned beef.” –Jimmy
Jazz
“Could roll a joint with the corned beef.” –Jimmy
Jazz
“Hippie food.” -Hans